A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #13

Part 2: Laying a Firm Foundation

The Right Ingredient
When friends and others see Craig and me together, they think life for us is so easy. They comment on how happy we are with each other and how happy we are with life. They have the false notion that everything is always ideal for us.

What I want you to know is that Craig and I have had some tough times in our 28 years of marriage. The lessons I have learned about being happy in my marriage have come through living some of those tough times. Some of the life situations that have caused others to separate and even divorce have served to bring Craig and I closer together.

I want to share some of our joys and trials with you. I want you to see that it is not the situations you find yourself in that make your life what it is. It is the attitude with which you approach your marriage and life in general that makes life enjoyable.

I will definitely show you how I have applied the Simple Sacrifices to my marriage. But first, I want you to take a journey with me down memory lane. I want to take you back to the early years and bring you up to date with our life together. Throughout this journey, I want you to look for attitude, desire and faith.

Attitude, desire and faith are the key ingredients that give our marriages substance. When I talk to friends and others about marriage, most seem to desire a good, happy marriage. What I usually find lacking is the wife’s right attitude or outlook about her husband, her marriage and even her life as a whole. Her thoughts are down and negative, so the words and phrases she uses are down and negative. When a person thinks negative thoughts and uses negative words, she paints herself into a negative world. It is impossible to have a negative outlook and have faith at the same time.


To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.
Remember, I love hearing your comments!

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #12

Simple Sacrifice #5: Share yourself with your man.
This is the last Simple Sacrifice I will be sharing with you now, and I’m saving three more for later. This principle is the one that is important for us as wives if we want to be happy in our marriage. When we get married, we tend to give ourselves to our husband and children. After a few years, we find that we have lost or forgotten about ourselves. When you give somebody something, they have it and you do not. We must learn not to give ourselves to our family, but to share ourselves with them. When you share something, you still have some for yourself.

I remember asking everybody in the house his or her favorite color. After they told me, I waited but no one asked me mine. I was sure they did not care, but I said it anyway, “My favorite color is royal blue.” Everybody kind of looked and went on about their business. Boy, did I feel dumb!

About a week later, my son came home with a picture he drew for me. He said, “Mama, I made this just for you. I colored it with your favorite color – royal blue.” It did not matter that the whole picture – grass included – was royal blue. What mattered was that he was listening to me; he heard me. And what I like mattered to him. Whenever Craig takes me car shopping, he always points out the deep blue colors. And looking back through the years, I recall that my daughter always selects something blue when buying me presents.

Through these experiences and others, I have learned to just open up and share my own likes and dislikes with my family. I have found that when they know what I like, they try to find ways to please me. But most importantly, when I share myself (even when I think they do not want to hear it), it helps me stay in contact with the true me.

Food for Thought: Does your husband and family know your favorite color? Does your husband and family know where you would go if you had a choice of vacationing spots? Do they know what you would spend most of your time doing while on vacation? Now, this is a vacation you have selected for yourself and you are taking it by yourself… just you! Do you even know the answers to these questions? If not, take time to find yourself. Rediscover who you are and then share yourself with your family. You will be surprised to find out how much they really want to know about the real you. Show them your humanity.

I have not given myself away; I have just shared a part of myself along the way. I am not just my husband’s wife, nor am I just my kid’s mom. I am eternal. I am me!

I want you to know that it is possible to have a great marriage. Knowledge is power. I could talk about marriage and happiness day and night.

I will tell you how I have incorporated the Simple Sacrifices and other ways of being into my own life and marriage. And I want you to know how to use the Simple Sacrifices in your own marriage. The Simple Sacrifices may sound simple, but they are the foundation for affair-proofing a marriage.

I am living proof that practicing the Simple Sacrifices, understanding the tricks of the “other woman” and knowing a few other techniques, which I will share with you later, can build a beautiful marriage.

My marriage has been truly blessed by the application of the Simple Sacrifices, and yours will be, too.


To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.
Remember, I love hearing your comments!

Isn't Life Something?

I'm struggling with what to title this post. This was suppose to be a carefree Saturday. I only had one client on the books this morning. She's one I truly look forward to meeting with each week. And the rest of the day I had planned to get my Isis Locs tightened. To me that's relaxing, with a lot of girl talk and catching up kind of stuff. Well, my client leaves and I do a few admin type functions while I decide what I'm going to stop and pick up to eat during my hair appointment. Every thing is going along as scheduled. I lock my office door, feeling carefree and wondering where the time has gone. I have 10 minutes to get to my appointment, which is about 15 minutes away. I pull my phone out to call Isis as I sit down in my car and buckle myself in. I'm pulling off as I get her on the phone, "Isis I'm running a...What's That!? The wheel is shaking! "Oh, no! Isis, I'm on flat!" That's all I could say. I'm sitting in a parking lot with no other cars, on flat. I get off the phone with Isis, agreeing that we will reschedule. I can hear the concern in her voice. I call Chris. Boy was I relieved to hear his voice, and not voicemail! He's on his way. So, guess where I am, now? I'm back upstairs in my office talking to you (venting). Thank you so much for your listening ear. Now, what about you? Do you have anything to get off your chest? I'm all ears. I'm just returning the favor. Isn't life something? I think that's my title.

My Letter From Halle Berry

Remember when Halle Berry was married to Eric Bene't back in 2000? Well, Abby's Between Girlfriends: A Sharing of Marital Secrets had only been in the bookstores, and on Amazon two months when a conversation with some other sistahs at the salon prompted me to send Halle one of my books. My heart went out to her, so I talked with my publisher about sending her a copy. The warning from Sylvia was, "It will not be good publicity for the book if they get divorced." To which I replied, "My book is about marriage, but it has more to do with a woman being happy...married, or not. And clearly, she is not happy in her present situation."

I remember putting the book in the mail with a prayer that it would arrive safely and bless her life.

The day I opened my mailbox and found Halle's letter changed my life. I quit my 12 year teaching job and went on a year long tour presenting at workshops, bridal showers, baby showers, housewarmings, other women's gatherings, and local and out of state book clubs. I also did a lot of radio and television spots back then. That was a wonderful, adventure filled year. Halle taking the time to write me back made all the difference. Do you see how she even took the time to draw hearts? She even took time to sealed it with a Burgundy ink stamp. It's those little things..you know? Well, I can honestly say, after reading Halle's letter that day, my life changed. It wasn't about me anymore. It was, and still is about sharing me and sharing my experiences, positive and negative, to help guide others to a more satisfying place.

Well, everyone who knows me, know that I always make room for those things that are special to me..and touch my life. So, my family and friends are not surprised when they see Halle's letter beautifully framed and hanging in a very special place in my heart and home.

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #11

Simple Sacrifice #4: Adapt to your man.
If your husband works long hours, is out of town a lot, etc., cater to his lifestyle. Make his homecoming fun and exciting. Find ways to let him know you are happy he is home instead of making him feel guilty about being gone from home. Also, your home should be a place where your husband can rest and be himself.

Learn from your husband what he does and does not like. When he makes suggestions or has an idea about something or somewhere to go, try saying, “That’s a great idea! Let’s...” We wives put our husband’s ideas and suggestions down when we say things like, “That sounds good, but...” Learn to follow your husband’s lead. We did when we were dating him. We let him be “the man.” What happened to change that?

Food for Thought: I know Craig does not want me to nag him, nor does he want me for his doormat. I enjoy bringing fun to our life together, and he returns the favor. If you and your husband were the last two people on earth, would he stay with you because he had to or because he wanted to? When you adapt to your husband’s ways and needs, don’t look at it as being forced to adapt. No woman should be forced to do anything she does not want to do. Instead, make a conscious choice to willingly cater to your husband’s unique lifestyle, wants and needs.

To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.
Remember, I love hearing your comments!

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #10

Simple Sacrifice #3: Appreciate your man.
Showing appreciation to another human being is one of the simplest things a person can do. But when we get married, it is one of the first acts of kindness to go. We take our husband for granted thinking it is his job or duty to do the things he does.

Showing appreciation takes action on our part. Saying “Thank you, I appreciate that;” a kiss or a smile; notes in his briefcase, suitcase or lunch kit; and messages on his voice mail at the office or home – there are so many ways to show appreciation. You can buy him something special and include a thank-you card. You can put his favorite candy bar on his pillow with a note.

Every now and then, after a long day, I will draw Craig a bubble bath complete with candles on each corner of the tub, soft music, telephone, evening paper and a glass of wine. Before I leave him to his quiet moment, I tell him, “Thank you for all you do. I love you.” That always brings the biggest, warmest smile across his face.

Food for Thought: We get back what we give out. If you want to be appreciated, learn to show appreciation. What are some of the ways the “other woman” would show your husband how much she appreciated him? What would she do? What can you do?

Always let your husband know you appreciate him. Just remember, he does not have to do anything for you or anyone else. So when he does something for you – no matter how small – acknowledge the deed by showing your appreciation. Watch your husband come alive as you begin to show your appreciation of him.

To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.
Remember, I love hearing your comments!

Passing The Love Around

Bahiyah of Dare to Inspire honored me with the A Lovely Blog Award. Recognition from my fellow bloggers means the world to me. Thank you, Bahiyah. At this time I would like to pass the A Lovely Blog Award along to:

1. Swaneesinger
2. This, That, and T'other
3. Day As Toast
4. Life As I Know It
5. Alas 3 Lads

Please stop by and leave a comment for these wonderful bloggers!

Coco Is Upset! Again

Little Miss Coco is upset with me this morning. She wants to be pretty, but she hates baths! Go figure. When bath time is over, she runs, and runs, and runs trying to dry herself. She doesn't want me to do it. As a matter of fact, she gets so upset, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me for awhile. Okay, so now she's ready to play again...Bye!

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #9

Simple Sacrifice #2: Admire your man.
It seems like once we get married, we stop communicating with our husband about how we feel about him. We automatically assume he knows. As wives, we think they know that we love and admire our husband. After all, would we have married him if we didn’t? Really though, when was the last time you showed admiration toward your husband? When was the last time you expressed your admiration of his character, deeds, commitment, choices, decisions, his good looks, etc.? If it has been a long time, he probably thinks you are not very interested in him anymore, and that can make him insecure in your marriage.

Food for Thought: What were the things you admired about your husband when you were dating? If a single woman got to know your husband now, what are some of the things she would admire about him? Now that you remember what you admire about him, tell him before someone else has a chance.

Take the time to openly admire something about your husband every day. If you want to see him come alive, be truthful, but tell him something you admire about him each day.

To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.
Show some love, leave a comment!

Yet, Another Award!

Bahiyah of Dare to Inspire presented me with the Best Blog Award. I am honored to accepted this award on behalf of all my readers and fellow bloggers. Thank you Bahiyah. I am proud to pass the Best Blog Award along to these 5 wonderful bloggers at:

1. Grand Pooba
2. Her Cup Overfloweth
3. My Life: A Work in Progress
4. Love, Actually
5. Kimmy Thingy

Please visit and show each one love by leaving a thoughtful comment.

500 Isis Locs!

My journey to 500 locs! Getting my hair back to it's natural state really has been a journey. Isis Brantley of Naturally Isis is the owner of Institute of Ancestral Braiding, and has been instrumental in this process. My Profile photo to the left show the length of my hair 2 1/2 years ago. In my effort to leave the chemicals behind and allow my hair to grow, I started out with micro braided extensions. I wore that style for about a year. Next was the straight hair weave sewn to my braided hair. That didn't last too long, maybe about 6months. From there I ventured to the two strand twists and went back and forth with the tight coil look. All this was to give my hair a chance to grow and become healthy again. I don't think you can really tell from the picture (see next post for more pics), but I am sporting the beginning stages of Isis Locs. Thanks to Isis and her daughter Yinka, I have right at 500 braids that will eventually loc. One day my locs will be as long as Yinka's. I think hers are beautiful. The braiding process took 2 days! Today was the continuation of braiding down to the end of each plat. The time seemed to pass fast. Don't get me wrong, it did hurt my butt to sit there that long...8 hours one day, and 6 the next. Isis has such a wealth of knowledge concerning the care of natural hair, health and nutrition God's way, she made it enjoyable. She also manufactures her own line of haircare products that are simply wonderful. But, do you want me to tell you the best thing of all? Here goes... Chris loves my hair! Don't get me wrong, I do too, but I just love his admiring looks. You can scroll to next post for closeups of my Isis Locs. Have you ever gone through a transition with your hair? How about the "ugly stage" of hair growth, have you ever been there?

Closeups of My 500 Count Isis Locs

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #8

Simple Sacrifice #1: Accept your man
We all want to be accepted just as we are. But why do we find it easier to accept our girlfriends at face value than we do our own husband? Acceptance does not mean just tolerating or putting up with someone. Accepting your husband means loving him and trying to understand his ways of being himself. It means accepting him and all of his habits and intricacies that are unique to him.

The best way of showing your acceptance is to concentrate on the good qualities your husband possesses instead of nagging about everything he does wrong. We all know that no one is perfect, so why do we constantly put our men down? Why do we insist on making them feel like “bad little boys?” Our men do not need their mothers; they need acceptance from their wives.

Food for Thought: If your husband had a mistress, would he keep going back to her if she continuously complained about his habits or behavior? Would a mistress be understanding and accepting of him even to the point of catering to him? This is one of the ways the “other woman” gets her foot in the door.

If you want to see your husband start to come alive again, try accepting him with no strings attached.

To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.
I appreciate the time you take to leave your comments.

My 3rd Award!

The Lovely Blog Award was presented to me today by the wonderful blogger at Two Pretty Little Skirts. When you visit (please do visit), don't forget to feed her fish like you always feed mine! I want to thank her again for this honor.

Here are the rules for receiving this award:

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.

2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

And now, please note the following friends I'm passing The Lovely Blog Award to:

1. Monica @Jonas Family
2. Rebecca @A Different View
3. Teresha @Jamaican Bun in the Oven
4. Noah'a Mom @Project Mommyhood
5. Bev @A Baby May Be
   

This is my list of wonderful blogger friends so far. 10 more will be coming soon.

Coco's Wish

Coco has her dressed out, doggy style, laundry room with her own gate all to herself. But, I think she thinks it's too far away from everything and everybody for her taste. Kind of like living in the country when you're really a city girl at heart. If she could put up a For Sale sign and move to another room closer to the action, I'm sure she would gladly pay me the realtor's fee.

This is what she does. She runs all the way back to her room, grabs a mouth full of dog food (the little bitty bite size), runs all the way back to the front room, runs under the dinner table, and drops her food there at my feet. Then she sits there and eats her food while I eat mine. She may have to make two or three trips, because she can only carry 5 or 6 pieces at a time. She doesn't care if I am having a snack or the main course. She just wants to be close to me in the city, where the action is. Now, I'm sure Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, would frown on this behavior on both our parts. But, I just think it's the cutest thing! And we are not willing to change a thing.

Oh, and you see the orange "water bowl" and the food on the place mat (LOL)? Well, that's because Coco will not eat or drink out of the silver bowls. She doesn't like it when her bells hits the side of the bowl. What strange and wonderful thing(s) does your pet do?

My Lemonade Stand Award

I want to take a moment to thank the wonderful blogger at I Heart Bow Heads. She took the time to honor me with my 2nd award, the Lemonade Stand Award! Thank you so much. She passed out several other awards to bloggers she found worthy of her list of honors. Please click here to view her complete awards show.

Forever!

This poem opens the meditation manual I wrote during a 40 Day Fast. The poem came to me just before opening my eyes one morning. I kept saying to myself, "I need to get up and write this down. Get up and write this down!" This is what kept running through my mind:

I Am Spirit
Morning after morning,
They slip by.
Moments in time,
They slip by.
From moon to new moon,
They slip by.
Births and announcements,
They slip by.
Deaths and burials,
They slip by.
My Spirit,
Forever
~ Abby Gail Smith (pen name)
Copyright by Robbie S. Redmon, All rights reserved

Have you had moments like this? Moments when you could feel your Spirit guiding you?

My First Blog Award!

Lindsey@Goodbye, Martha gifted me and 8 other bloggers with this wonderful award. This is how it works:

The "Love Ya" Award states:
These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

Here are the 8 bloggers I have chosen to pass this award on to. The owners of these sites made me feel welcome to the blogging community. I really appreciate each of them. Thank you so much! Please visit them and leave a comment or two.

1. Moon Dog Treasures
2. Baby Makin(g)Machine
3. Stormy Vawn
4. Thought Threads
5. The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful
6. Shaking The Tree
7. Simply B
8. Makeup Theory Workshops
   

A Spiritual Connection's Big Give-A-Way!

The Big Give-A-way! A personalized, autographed copy of my book Abby's Between Girlfriends: A Sharing of Marital Secrets, and a 20 minute Marital Coaching phone session (optional)! 3 winners will be announced on my birthday, September 16th. It is a wonderful book! It would also make a great gift for a young wife. So, here are the easy rules:

Required:

1. Become a Follower
2. Comment on each day's post
3. Comment on this post each day, or as often as possible (the numbers in the drawing pot will be from this post)
   
4. Either post about this give-a-way at least once and send me the link, or email 10 friends about the give-a-way and copy me at robbieredmon@gmail.com (Subject: A Great Give-A-Way). This email address is for this give-a-way only.
   

Optional: Sidebar Activities

1. Grab my Button (if you have a blog)
   
2. Feed my fish (if you can't see them, you may need to update your browser, I use Foxfire)
3. Feed Mister Hamster (same as above)
   

That's It...That's All!
I'm going to choose 3 Commenters this year on my birthday. I will draw from a pot that has the exact number of Commenters. When I pull the number, I will look to see which Commenter is associated with the number. I will check to see if all the required rules have been followed. I will contact each winner, and mail you your copy of Abby's Between Girlfriends: A Sharing of Marital Secrets. I will also email you to schedule a time for your 20 minute Marital Coaching phone session (this is optional). I will definitely post a "Big Shout Out" to the 3 winners! You will each have your own day in the spotlight (optional).

Why do I think this is such a big Give-A-Way? Glad you asked...Because the book is out of print, and there are only a few copies out there! Barnes and Noble's website displays 1 used copy left for $79.99. Amazon show 1 new copy for $14.95, and 1 used copy for $40.00

My girlfriend Dru knows what's next. Yes, I'm on my way to find the perfect container to hold the numbers for the drawing. She and everyone who knows me know... if it's important to me, It has to have a place.

Blessings !

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #7

(Please humor me as I backtrack to include the Preface and Introduction to the book this week. What was I thinking, not starting here? I don't know...But my Spirit kept nudging me to go back and do this before continuing. So, here it is...)

Introduction
Abby’s Between Girlfriends was written for those of us who aren’t willing to settle with a mediocre marriage. We need to feel loved. We want to be appreciated. Some would say we are “spoiled,” but I say we just want to be cherished.

During my 23 years of marriage, I have found many secrets to creating that loving relationship we long for, and I’ve never stopped searching for more of those treasured secrets. I wrote these pages not only to show women how to have a happy marriage, but also to show them how to be happy in a marriage.

Do you remember the biblical story of Leah, Rachel and Jacob in Genesis 29? A few Sundays ago, Craig and I sat in church intensely listening to the story surrounding this love-hate triangle. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day. I was enthralled by the story, which goes something like this.

Jacob loved Rachel so much that he made an agreement with her father to work for him for seven years to earn her hand in marriage. After seven long years (which Jacob said seemed to be but a few days), Rachel’s father, Laban, tricked Jacob. Instead of getting Rachel all for himself, Laban deceitfully lead Jacob to sleep with his oldest daughter, Leah. Of course with this accomplished, Jacob had to marry Leah.

Jacob hated Leah, but he loved the beautiful Rachel. He loved Rachel so much that he agreed to work another seven years for Laban in exchange for Rachel’s hand.

As I tuned my ears to the lecturer who continued to unravel the saga, Craig nudged my knee and passed me a note. The note said, “Thank you for being my Rachel.”

How can I explain to you the feelings that absorbed me? Oh, the feeling of knowing I am loved. The most wonderful feeling in the world -- total joy.

I didn’t always feel this way, though. I almost lost my marriage during our first year. That’s why after years of digging up secrets, I was moved to write the following story, hoping to keep others from making the same mistakes. Not knowing a few secrets almost cost me great happiness, and I don’t want that to happen to anyone else.

What I learned has brought me more love, more attention and more appreciation. If you need more from your marriage, what I have written is just for you. And what I have to tell you will be just between us.

Your girlfriend,

Abby

To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.

A Sharing of Marital Secrets- Excerpt #6

(Please humor me as I backtrack to include the Preface and Introduction to the book this week. What was I thinking, not starting here? I don't know...But my Spirit kept nudging me to go back and do this before continuing. So, here it is...)

Preface
I am writing this page after completing the 118th page of this book. In the beginning I was not going to have an introduction -- just the preface and then my story. But I have to tell you something important right now. That’s why I moved what was once my preface to become my introduction, and I’m going to use this page to get something straight from the start.

You know how sometimes people will say something, only to find out later that it was not true or that something changed? Well, I want to go on record as saying that I don’t know if Craig and I will be together for the rest of our lives. I don’t know if we will get a divorce or separate after this book is published, on the market and in your hot little hands. I can’t read into the future. But, what I can tell you is this: from our second year of marriage until now, we have had a wonderful life together. Right now, all I can tell you is how I have managed to keep my good-looking, well-built, executive husband smiling and excited about coming home for over 23 years.

This book is not filled with “tricks of the trade,” but rather with ways of being.

To Be Continued... Copyright 2000 by Abby Gail Smith (pen name of Robbie S. Redmon) All rights reserved.